Merry Broken Christmas

Merry Broken Christmas!

Yes, you read that right.  Why do we pretend that this season magically wipes away all the hurts and struggles?  Cancer still exists, loved ones who passed on, do not come back to life, wandering prodigals may not come home for the holidays, loneliness abounds even more because we think that everyone else is having the perfect Christmas.

I am experiencing my own broken Christmas as the tears rolled down my cheeks this week over the changes that have taken place in my life this year....my daughter leaving for college which gives us an empty nest....my Mom's many TIA's this year, the first being on my birthday.  Trying to keep up with my Mom's doctor's appointments and my own busy schedule of work and teaching piano lessons, as well as being there for our daughter in her adjustments to college life.  They don't call this 'The Sandwich Generation" for nothing!

Along with the changes this year, some emotional pain has been around for years and has left some pretty deep scars.  I never dreamed I would be divorced.  Not me, the Bible college graduate, the pastor's wife who always dreamed of ministry.  In two weeks it will be 16 years since I packed up my two kids and left my abusive marriage to start my new life as a single parent.  Over the years I faced many losses.  Yes, I felt broken. Forced to leave the ministry I loved, the women in the Bible study I led, the kids in the Christian school I was helping, friends I dearly loved.  For our safety, I just walked away from it all without saying goodbye.  So many misunderstandings and rumors that took place because I could not tell of my planned departure. 

Some of the losses included having to enter the workforce and giving up being a stay at home mom.  Did I go to Bible college to end up here?  Just like the physical scars I have, these emotional scars still exist. Even though my kids are grown and custody is no longer an issue, the scars of dealing with an abusive husband and father do not just disappear.  It takes years and maybe a lifetime to heal.  Yes, I feel broken.  My children live in limbo land not having a dad who is a great role model.  Even though I remarried and found a wonderful man, he is not their father.  No matter how loving he is, he can't completely take away the memories that haunt.

As I approached this Christmas season, I found myself struggling to keep my scars at bay.  Focusing on my losses only made me spiral deeper into the dark abyss.  Isn't it all a matter of perspective?  The glass half full or empty?

Replacing my sadness for His peace, I uncurled from my fetal position and took the first step to finding joy in this brokenness.  What could possibly bring me joy in the midst of my broken Christmas?

We sang "Count Your Many Blessings" at our Thanksgiving table this year. O how, I need that reminder. With a grateful heart, I started realizing how my brokenness has been a blessing.

So I started thinking, "There is always someone worse off than me".  We have been trying to adopt an older child.  The 'waiting children' do not have a family.  I was thinking of calling a friend who works at the Children's Aid Society to see how our family can make a child's Christmas a little more special.  She called me this morning. Isn't that a God thing?  I have not talked to her in months!

The empty nesting time has brought a sweetness to our marriage as we share quiet moments at home, candles glowing, favorite Christmas tunes playing and just being.....

Our daughter being away give us special times with her when she calls or comes home.  We love hearing of all her new experiences on a secular campus where she is letting her light shine bright.

With my baking buddy being at college, a co-worker and I baked cookies together last night.  I would never had the time to do this other years because of all the high school music concerts we attended.

The perfect Christmas? My perfect Christmas is broken as I am reminded that Jesus came to a broken world to fix my broken heart. As I read Jesus' birth story one more time, I am asking Him to show me new wonder.  The Author of Time, cared enough to create my story from the beginning.  But He gives me freedom to choose to love Him.  I love reading about His love story for me and how He is taking my broken mess and using it for Him.. 

Now I minister to broken people that I would never have been able to reach before.  I listen to the custody woes of single mothers, share God's love with friends I have made from my secular job, even a woman who owns a bar!  I would never have been able to do this as a Pastor's wife. 

So as I continue reflecting on the brokenness of my life, picking up the pieces and asking God to put them back together, I see Him making something more amazing out of my life than I could have ever dreamed.  So Merry Broken Christmas Everyone!

Senior Mom

Being a senior Mom has it's moments and no I am not talking about 'senior moments!'  Each school event this year has been christened with one of the other senior moms looking at me teary eyed and exclaiming, "this is the last ______fill in the blank with parade, band concert, etc.  For some reason I have never been good at the public grieving thing.  In fact, when I am at these functions, I almost feel guilty for enjoying myself!  I know all too soon I will not be driving her to school functions, and the house will be quiet.  But there will be more wonderful things to enjoy in this new chapter, like watching college football, well actually anyone who knows me is aware that I go to watch the band, one musician in particular.   Somehow she always manages to spot us in the crowd because she wants to. 

In the future, the venue will change and we won't see her as much, but isn't that how it is supposed to be?
You see, my daughter is always going to be my daughter no matter where she is or what she is doing. And I certainly would not want her to stay little forever.  In fact I am really enjoying the companionship of this emerging young adult.  She makes me laugh and teaches me how to parent every day.  When I have a weak moment and start getting sentimental about her growing up too fast, I can hear her say, "You want grandchildren, don't ya?" 

A word of wisdom to the 'Junior Mom' friends, enjoy their senior year, every minute of it.  Takes lots of pictures and laugh a lot.  You won't regret that.  There are days I feel like I am drowning in financial aid packages and critiquing scholarship essays.  However, I am reminded of the gift of cherishing these 'last things' as gifts. 

Monday Morning Chuckles...

Monday morning chuckles...took Abby to school and realized her water bottle lid was not shut tight.....dumped the whole thing in her lunch box.  She realized on the way to school as she feels something wet on her back side.  We wipe down all baggies and dry out the inside of the lunch box with all the fast food drive through napkins we acquired over the past month.  I go home to find a puddle on the piano bench where lunch box sat...that is where I placed my phone!  Wipe up puddle and pray my phone still works.  I head to work and realize I forgot to eat breakfast...already late to work by now.  Tried to call the office and my phone refuses to dial!  Must be the moisture.  I pull into Sheetz and take out the battery, which just happens to drop between the seat and the console.  Can we say Monday???!!  I am now at work safely, breakfast eaten, phone working for now and sweet texts exchanged between my daughter and I about our funky mornings.  We chuckle realizing and surmise this is all the aftermath of what Roger calls "Daylight Stupid Time!"  Anybody else feel wonky this morning??!!!

I'm a Mess!

I am a mess. I used to hope that I didn’t cross the boundary line of being too much of a mess. Isn’t that why that I try to hide so much? What will people think if they knew____ ? (fill in the blank)

Why do I try to be a spiritual super hero? Super Mom to the rescue! I run on adreline to keep up my image, rather than relying on my only true source of power. God. It’s like trying to dry my hair with the dryer without plugging it in. I go through alot of motions, but my hair is not getting dry because there is no power to dry it.

What does God really want from me? A heroic looking Christian who seems like they have it altogether? Where do I find that in the Bible? Isn’t that funny? I want to be a spiritual giant, but what God really wants is a broken and contrite heart. That’s pretty impossible to do if I am too busy trying to keep up my good Christian image.

Messed up. Yup, that’s what I am. Too messed up? Never! I spend too much time labeling myself and others. Can you imagine going through the Bible and labeling the Bible heroes?

David was a murderer, adulterer
Eve was a less than perfect mother. (After all, her son turned out to be a murderer)
Paul killed Christians
Jonah ran from God …......
Moses did not want to lead God’s people

These men and women played significant roles in Scripture and God used them in spite of themselves. Will I ever truly see myself and others as God sees? That the David who committed adultery and murder was called by God, “the man after God’s own heart.”
So why do I spend so much time labeling myself? “God can’t use me, I’m divorced.” I spend so much mental energy thinking, “I am less than perfect, therefore, I am to be shelved until the next life.”

Think about it, will the world be drawn to someone who ‘has it all together?’ Of course not, they would feel like they could never measure up. How much more powerful is my message, if I can introduce them to the One who loves them where they are and meets them in their messes. That is what makes God to be God. He does the work, not us! So, really, God can use me more effectively if I own up to my mess and realize I am nothing without Him. Am I a mess? Yes, but saved by God’s grace!

Psalms 51:17, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”

Keep Smiling!

This past week I spent time with someone who never smiled when I was watching. How I reacted inside to her kept changing colors each day. At first I felt intimidated because she appeared as if she had it all together. You know the kind of person I am talking about. They take charge of every situation and appoint themselves in command whether a majority vote has been taken on her behalf. Her self appointed attitude permeated giving the air of "I don't really need you."

The first time I met her I struggled just for a moment with feelings of inferiority. She did have a lot together and knew much more about the activities we were doing. I decided to chase away my complex and offered my gifts and talents given to me by the Lord. Each of us are different you know. Not everyone can have it together or even look like it! I actually enjoyed myself as I found my little niche. There is joy in serving Jesus, so I thought.

But this non-smiling woman kept haunting me every day I was with her. She really did not look like she was having a good time. The rest of us were really having fun doing each of our tasks with enthusiasm because we enjoyed being together. I realized the 'party' was going on without her. Each attempt to include her was brushed aside.

By the end of the week, she did not even make eye contact with me. Maybe there is more to this than I understand. The one who appears as if all is well can be choosing to hide behind that mask because of its safety. She wrapped herself in a cocoon of busyness maybe really wanting to join in.

Maybe the truth is that deep down inside there may be things that are too painful to describe. I think I will keep smiling anyway and find a way to bridge this communication gap. Maybe someday it will happen. Until then, I'll keep smiling!

Guard Your Heart

It's days like today that I understand why God put Gal 6:9 in his love letter to us. Satan wants to wear us down as believers so we are not effective in our ministries.

Gal 6:8 talks about those who sow to please their own sinful nature. What wears on me the most is when these kinds of people prey on our weak brothers and sisters, especially children and teenagers.

Satan desires to make us ineffective by lulling us to sleep on major issues, especially what we allow and invite to influence our lives....books we read, movies we watch, friends and people of influence in our lives. Nothing is innocuous! We live in a daily battle and somedays we choose not to recognize it because it is easier not to. Trust me, I would love a break from the constant beating down that we receive around us. It is easier to join the crowd rather than walk away, but each time we stay, we become more entrenched in the world's philosophies. God encouraged us to follow Him, which would be a 'lesser travelled road.' '

Beware, friends because the prince of this world desires to numb us to things around us. Stay connected to your power source and "don't grow weary in well-doing!"

Be on your guard, brothers and sisters- remember we are in a battle and it is everyday until Jesus comes for his Bride!

God Loves Those With a Broken Heart

Psalm 34:18 (NIV) The LORD is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

God loves the broken hearted! How that thought washes over my soul like a refreshing rain to a parched land. I can say that in my times of being totally broken, God has touched me in such unique ways that I cannot help but share with those who struggle along side of me.

I never realized how much my deep ache could be comforted until I have offered a hug of complete understanding to those who struggle with the same heartache. That is when I breathe, 'Thank you, Lord"; I can see some of your purpose in this pain.

The church as a whole and in our local bodies are filled with broken people. No matter how perfectly we dress or how beautifully we sing, what counts is how we love. I wonder if too many times we enter our place of worship with pride of how well we are doing our Christian checklist: perfect children perfectly dressed and well behaved, tithe check ready, Sunday School lesson prepared, the smile on our face that conveys all is well.

Think about who Jesus picked to be his disciples. They were not perfect on the outside or the inside. They were smelly, cantankerous fisherman. Imagine them showing up on Sunday morning at your church!

Would we dare be honest with our brothers and sisters in Christ if we are struggling? Do others know us to be real in our faith as we are free to share our struggles, our shortcomings? Hopefully that is true of me, of you, of our churches.

"Thank you Lord, for helping me see that my suffering is worthwhile as I see it making me a better, not bitter person so that I may comfort others."