Christmas Characters - Elizabeth

Elizabeth....

A life of disgrace seemed to summarize the thoughts of her life before giving birth to her son, John. Women from her culture did not work 9 to 5 in a man’s world, juggling car pools, soccer games and zumba classes. A woman’s life centered around her home, garden, family, cooking and possibly a trade such as sewing and babies. Yes, babies! Most women long to hold that precious bundle, gaze into his eyes and ponder what plans God has for her little one. But for most of Elizabeth’s life her arms were empty. Some of us have faced the empty places around the table...the empty nursery...and empty arms.

As I read Luke’s account of Elizabeth in chapter 1, I do not see him describe a bitter woman. Luke describes her as “righteous, “walking blamelessly in ALL the commandments and statutes.” Luke studied all these happenings and as a doctor I’m sure did careful research. He seems to give careful detail to each person he describes in his account. What a legacy Luke painted of her. Though her arms were empty, her heart was clearly not.

It makes me wonder if Elizabeth was a woman of prayer, pressing into the heart of God to give her strength in her grief. I believe she developed a real sense of God’s presence in her life because of her empty womb. But it seems as if her struggle was still there to not feel that somehow she felt deficient that her body could not produce another life. With all her obedience to the commandments and her desire to follow her Lord, Luke seems to portray that she still felt shame. Notice her response when she discovered the news late in her years that she would finally have a son....The Lord had taken away her shame, her reproach, her disgrace. God was with her in the midst of the pain of barrenness!

We get a glimpse of Elizabeth’s true character as we watch the first thing she does when God finally answered her prayers. She retreats to the quietness of her home....secluded for five whole months! I am not sure about you, but when God does something big it is very hard to keep it quiet. I want to tell everyone. Elizabeth went to her God first and stayed there for over half of her pregnancy. She took no credit for this miracle child. God did it! And she wanted to soak up His presence as she prepared for her son’s birth. Isn’t that a great lesson to learn from the mother of Jesus’ forerunner?

Hmmm...I can only imagine the influence Elizabeth had on the young maiden who ran to her side when she was told she would birth Jesus! Be it any wonder that Mary sat at the feet of her cousin to learn how to prepare her heart for the coming of the Messiah...her Savior...her son.

What a necessary reminder for me this season.

“Lord, may I spend time in Your presence as I prepare my heart to celebrate Your birth. What a perfect time to pull away from the clamor and noise of the trappings we so often chase after and truly be in awe of You.”

How Can I Tell If I Am in an Abusive Relationship??

"How can I tell if I am in an abusive relationship?", was a question that played over and over in my head, like a stuck CD track. "Some days he is sooo nice to me....he didn't mean to hurt me, I guess.... It must be me. I just don't know how to love him the right way. I must figure out how to be better next time....then we won't fight...."

The hardest thing for me was to face the fact that I was in an abusive relationship. Not just because of my own self-talk, but because of the things he would say. Things were always 'my" fault....we fought because "I should have been an attorney." But here is the key.....I needed to step outside my situation and look at it as if it was someone else experiencing it.....then I could realize how bizarre the behaviors were.

I felt like I was going crazy.....there is an actual term called, "crazy-making." I would think and think and pray and pray, trying to be a better wife....thinking it was me. Of course, I wanted to be submissive. But he knew what buttons to push to make me think everything was always my fault. The twisting of words, the perpetual lying, the verses he would quote.....all to make me think it was ALL me!

Crazy-makers function when everything is about them....they never take responsibility for their part...in fact, when there is something that is clearly their issue, they twist it around to be the other person's fault, creating a constant atmosphere of chaos....thus making you feel crazy!

Going to church....graduating from Bible college... being a pastor....does not exempt anyone from being a crazy-maker. In fact, some 'crazy-makers seek out spiritual positions since it gives them more of an audience to control. They seek 'good' people to surround them because 'good' people will be easier to manipulate.

So....."how can I tell if my marriage is normal??" Healthy would be a better choice of words, actually.

A healthy marriage is two 'good willed' sinners who desire to create a godly home together. Is there conflict? Yes! Is there hurt? Yes! But.........the difference is that we don't purposefully try to hurt each other.

Here are a few things that describe what a healthy relationship does NOT look like:

* A healthy relationship does not lie to cover up his/her own issues.

* A healthy relationship does not flirt and blame it on the 'other' person who keeps flirting back.

* A healthy relationship does not keep the other person in financial bondage by limiting his/her partner's access to money, while racking up credit card debt.

* A healthy relationship does not ALWAYS blame the other person, never owning his/her stuff.

* A healthy relationship does not minimize the pain the other person has caused by these behaviors.

Eventually I will look at what a positive healthy relationship looks like, but for now, seeing what it is NOT is very crucial for those in an abusive relationship. Facing this truth is the hardest thing for us to. That is one of the reasons we struggle to leave the relationship. If we admit we are in an abusive relationship....it will mean we truly did fail.....in choosing a marriage partner. If I don't leave, no one will know.

So how do you know if your relationship is abusive? The first most helpful thing I did was to start a journal, writing down behaviors. When I saw it on paper, the chaos became very clear. It was the first step in helping me realize that I needed help.

If you are working with someone going through this process....be patient. Leaving is not easy...it is the biggest, scariest thing you can imagine. "How will I support myself?"...."Where can I live?"...."What will I tell the children?"....."What if he comes after me?"....."What if he files for sole custody?"....(sharing custody with an abuser is the biggest nightmare you can ever, ever imagine). These are just a few reasons why women stay.

Be a listening ear....don't give advice....don't suggest they talk with their pastor....most pastors are not equipped in these circumstances. Find an organization that helps women....Focus Ministries is a great place to start! Pray, pray, pray....did I say pray?

Did I Marry the Wrong Person?!

With our culture’s pressure of finding ‘The One’ (absolutely no reference to Frozen implied there!), sometimes it may feel as if we married the wrong person because we don’t finish each other’s sandwiches... I mean sentences!  So many of us buy into the Hollywood and Hallmark lie that when boy and girl marry, that they will have children AND a dog and live harmoniously ever after.  Add to that the pressure of finding your one ‘soul mate’ and there is no wonder so many ‘twenty-somethings’ are running from the marriage commitment.

I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up nobody talked about marriage. You didn’t hear Christian radio programs about it, you didn’t find books lining the Christian bookstores and you certainly didn’t find Bible studies on how to be a better wife!

Like most of us, I dreamed about my wedding, but had no clue about the marriage.   I did not see my parents handle conflict so I assumed later in life that since my marriage had conflict there must be something desperately wrong!  I believed the lie that the absence of conflict was the absolute goal of every marriage!  

I don’t have to tell any of you married women that marriage is hard work.  You already know that and now we have all the Christian podcasts at our fingertips to help us be a better wife!  Our culture talks much more freer about the topic of marriage, but it still isn’t natural, especially in our conservative  Pennsylvania community to discuss our own personal marriage struggles.  

Sometimes we just need a cheerleader to help us to keep rowing when all we feel like doing is drifting.  Drifting is easier….it’s less work, at least in the beginning.  By living parallel lives you don’t have to keep bumping into each other.  Then the doubt starts creeping in after while, “did I marry the wrong guy?!”  I should be happy, but we are soooo different…..all we do is disagree and….. drift.

I remember when Roger and I were dating, I could not imagine us ever having our first fight.  He was dreamily perfect in every way.  Then we had our first disagreement….the night before our wedding!!  I was just then starting to see in reality how different we really are!

 

• I like to be on time….well early - being late doesn’t bother him
• I care what people think - he could care less most of the time
• I am a filer - he is a piler
• I am type A - he is type Z ...very laid back
• I can be directionally challenged - He runs his own GPS inside his head...all the time
• He is all things techy - I am not!
• I respond emotionally to things - He is logical
• I love being busy - he loves doing nothing!

And the list goes on!  Many of our disagreements rooted themselves in our differences.  The happily ever after got up and rode off into the sunset.  

Throughout the years, we have taken advantage of some cheerleading opportunities Family Life offered through their Weekend to Remember Marriage Events.  During our 11 years we are seeing some real breakthroughs.   We take our cars to the garage for maintenance to rotate tires and oil changes, why not do that for our marriage right?  So this Valentine’s weekend we packed our bags for another maintenance checkup at Weekend to Remember!

You may picture us spending all weekend romantically sitting in front of this fireplace, sipping lattes and holding hands.  You may even now start thinking, "I wish we could do something that wonderful for Valentines Day!"  Yes, I wish you could have been there too, but not for the reasons you think.  Yes, there was indeed opportunity for romance, but the things we glean each year we go are so helpful, we would love to have you join us!  After all, don’t we all need some cheering on at times?   

Roger and I were reminded that the goal of marriage is oneness and the ultimate purpose is that our marriage is to reflect God’s image.  What kind of reflection do others see?  So much of the time, I think ours was smudged and sometimes even cracked!  

We learned that we are either striving for oneness or isolation and the only way to be truly intimate with each other is to work through our conflicts. That meant I needed to be transparent about my hurts and also being willing to receive Roger as God’s gift to me.  That also meant that I needed to give up my right to be right.  I needed to look into my own heart and recognize how I have been hurting him.  No more drifting….row..row..row our boats!

So what about all those differences?  It isn’t easy living with someone who sees things differently than you.  The beauty of being on a team together is that each of us bring strengths.  Where one has a weakness, the other has that strength.  The women’s speaker shared this beautiful illustration this past weekend….fold your hands as if you are going to pray, entwining your fingers.  One hand is me, the other hand is Roger.  The fingers are each of our strengths and the gaps between our fingers are our weaknesses.  As we interlock our lives filling in for each other’s weaknesses, we become an incredible team!  

I was cheered on this past weekend to be a wife of purpose….on purpose I need to cheer my man on!  My man needs me.  I know... they need us, don’t they?  As I look at my folded hands again, I can see that without me, my husband will have glaring gaps.  And the same for me….without him I will have gaps in my life.  Roger feels a deep sense of loss when I don’t cheer him on...wow!  I love the scene in Cinderella Man before his last big fight, Mae reassures Jim, “You are the Champion of my heart.  You can’t win without me!”

Well I have lots of work to do.  As I clean the bathroom mirror later today, wiping the water splashes and smudges, I will be reminded that my marriage is reflecting God’s image to those around me.  As bathroom mirrors go, they need cleaned up….often….so it goes for my marriage!   Let’s cheer each other on to keep cleaning...and not just our mirrors!

Keep Rowing

Keep Rowing!

"I want my marriage to be like a Hallmark movie" some of us say.......do you take notes during your chick flicks wishing your husband or future spouse would be like that guy in the movie? Yesterday we celebrated eleven years of marriage. It was one of the most stressful days I have experienced in a while, yet one of the sweetest...yes, better than a chick flick!

Marriage is NOT like the Hallmark movies. It is hard work to stay close through the good and bad times. It is not romance every night and candle lit dinners. Real love is a choice, not a feeling. Love is purposefully choosing to stay close even during the times you want to run away. My husband often describes marriage as two row boats out to sea. The only way you stay close is if both of you row steadily to stay together. If one stops, you drift apart.

A good marriage is learning ways to allow your spouse to feel safe so they can share their deepest thoughts. That does not happen usually over candle light. That happens when your spouse has really blown it and you wrap your arms around them and say, "We are a team!, I got your back!" We celebrated team work yesterday, working on a deadline together rather than being against each other. And yes, we felt safe at the end of the day.

Those of you who know me are fully aware of how shy I used to be...quiet..reserved. Living in New York and having a very dysfunctional first marriage changed me. I learned to stand up for myself to survive. Now I am learning to tone that part of me down in a 'normal' marriage. Normal? Yes, a normal marriage is not perfect. The goal is not to find someone that never disagrees with you. Letting someone else have their way all the time is not being a good spouse.

Always being in defense mode is not healthy either! Learning to handle conflict has been a struggle for me because I grew up thinking the goal was no conflict. If you don't argue, you have a perfect marriage. No one...I repeat.... no one has a perfect marriage. If you don't have a disagreement, James Dobson says, "One of you is not necessary!" Disagreements are a part of a normal marriage. Learning how to navigate them while not crushing your spouse is what is tricky.

Having good communication includes learning to navigate the land mines of your relationship. Avoiding conflict is not the goal, because the only way to true intimacy is learning to navigate the tough times....while you keep rowing...to stay together. I have watched families do this well, navigating physical and mental illness, and tragedy. I also know families that never talk....really talk with each other. They may exchange pleasantries, what is for dinner and when football practice is, but they do not navigate healthy conflict as a family. As parents, do we apologize to our children when we blow it? Do our children see us apologize to our spouse?

Marriages would start on a stronger foundation if Christian young couples could have someone in place to go to when struggles begin. Your first fight can be devastating. And yes, you WILL have your first fight....because two sinners are living under the same roof and they are expected to produce more sinners to live in that same house. Doesn't God have a sense of humor??

I have often thought that newlyweds should be assigned a mentoring couple to follow them their first couple years of adjustment. If you did not see your parents do conflict in a healthy way, how would you know that your marriage is not over? Look for couples who have faced struggles and not only remain married, but enjoy the view as they keep rowing!

                                                                                                            

Goodbye and Hello

Anyone else saying goodbye to their college bound son or daughter?  If so, you can relate to the ever-transitioning relationship with your emerging adult.  This will be our third time saying goodbye to our daughter as she heads off to her junior year at Lebanon Valley College.  We are so proud of her, not so much for the accomplishments, but for who she is becoming...a young woman who has had to set aside her dreams and give them to God.  Not being able to play her clarinet this past year has been hard.  Instead of staying in grief over this loss, she has opened her arms to a new love....cello!  

Summertime has been a time to get reacquainted with our beautiful maturing daughter, a time to celebrate as she got her driver's license, a time to relax at our favorite beach spots, and a time to finally say goodbye....again.... 

It doesn't get easier saying goodbye. The transition of letting go and embracing our young adults can be a tricky one.  Parenting is such a privilege and ever changing role and I believe each phase gets more challenging to handle with grace.  

I am purposefully thinking that we are not saying 'goodbye' to Abby.  She is still Abby and will always be our daughter.  We have not lost the relationship...it is just changing.  So instead of saying 'goodbye', we are actually saying 'hello' to a wonderful maturing young woman!  

A Weekend to Truly Remember!

As many of you know, Roger and I attended Family Life's Weekend to Remember in Hershey, Pennsylvania this last weekend.  What a weekend to remember!!!  We have attended four times.  Yes, that means we have heard the same material (give or take a few things) four times, shared four unique ways.  We can see after 10 years of marriage how much closer we really are to being the team God has called us to be.  This was the first time we went as 'empty nesters' and it is so helpful to be able to come home and have time to talk about all we learned.  Our communication actually has taken on a new level, which started during our weekend as we...eh hem......skipped a session or two...shhh!!!  We took that time to really dig deep into areas that have been difficult for both of us.

As we entered into reality today, starting our work week, we both noticed the struggle to go into 'default' in our established patterns. How exciting to see us both really trying to make changes that really matter.  For instance, asking what that 'look' meant rather than assuming the worst and communicating to each other our tasks of the day so we can better understand each other.

Ladies, one of the hardest things we struggle with is being in control.  We manage our household chores, careers, children's schedules, etc., so it is reallllllyyyy tempting to also put our hubbies under our thumb.  God never intended us to take charge of our men, even though we are most capable of doing that!  When our guys don't step up, we decide it is our responsibility.  In doing so, we chase them away even further, defeating their desire to even try to be the man we really long for.  When we take charge, our men go further into their caves and their willingness to romance us goes along with them.  And the vicious cycle begins.

There is something funny that Roger and I struggle with and I never dreamed it would be an issue....walking together.  Walking in a parking lot, walking into church, walking through the mall, walking the dog...we do not have a gait that complements one another.  If you looked at us you would say that is easy to figure out as he is over 6 feet tall and I am 5' 1".  He sometimes walks way ahead of me, thinking it is the chivalrous thing to do to lead the way.  My little legs struggle to keep up and I feel frustrated that he is leaving me in the dust. There are also many times that I am walking way ahead of him and he feels like a penny dog.  I do this when I am trying not to be late for appointments, late for church or going to the movies!  I want a good seat and he hates the move trailers so he thinks arriving 20 minutes after the start time is sufficient!  I also walk ahead of him when I am anxious to get somewhere like a good sale!

I got to see this played out at the marriage conference this weekend, which made me really stop and think and be convicted of my actions.  We pulled into the Hershey Lodge parking lot before one of the sessions, which we were running a bit later than I had hoped.  We were really trying hard to walk hand in hand to and from the sessions, because that would be the romantic thing to do at a marriage conference, right?  We were walking side by side together and Roger realized he left his book in the car and with the chilling temperatures this weekend, we decided that I would go on inside and save us good seats.  As I made my way up the sidewalk, I noticed a couple ahead of me.  She was walking at quite a clip ahead of her sauntering man, her heels clicking emphatically with each step.  He casually sauntered along on that Saturday morning,  carrying his morning caffeine with him, a can of Coke.  She arrived ahead of him and proceeded to hold the door for her husband and he walked through barely grunting, as if he was used to his woman leading!  As I tried to stifle my giggle, she continued to hold the door for me and the next person!!  Hopefully, this memory will replay in my mind next time I am tempted to leave my man in the dust!

I long for companionship, and even romance, yet the little things I do can be a threat to the oneness in our marriage.   I look forward to being late to church and even to the movies as I work on choosing to walk beside God's gift to me over being on time!

Merry Broken Christmas

Merry Broken Christmas!

Yes, you read that right.  Why do we pretend that this season magically wipes away all the hurts and struggles?  Cancer still exists, loved ones who passed on, do not come back to life, wandering prodigals may not come home for the holidays, loneliness abounds even more because we think that everyone else is having the perfect Christmas.

I am experiencing my own broken Christmas as the tears rolled down my cheeks this week over the changes that have taken place in my life this year....my daughter leaving for college which gives us an empty nest....my Mom's many TIA's this year, the first being on my birthday.  Trying to keep up with my Mom's doctor's appointments and my own busy schedule of work and teaching piano lessons, as well as being there for our daughter in her adjustments to college life.  They don't call this 'The Sandwich Generation" for nothing!

Along with the changes this year, some emotional pain has been around for years and has left some pretty deep scars.  I never dreamed I would be divorced.  Not me, the Bible college graduate, the pastor's wife who always dreamed of ministry.  In two weeks it will be 16 years since I packed up my two kids and left my abusive marriage to start my new life as a single parent.  Over the years I faced many losses.  Yes, I felt broken. Forced to leave the ministry I loved, the women in the Bible study I led, the kids in the Christian school I was helping, friends I dearly loved.  For our safety, I just walked away from it all without saying goodbye.  So many misunderstandings and rumors that took place because I could not tell of my planned departure. 

Some of the losses included having to enter the workforce and giving up being a stay at home mom.  Did I go to Bible college to end up here?  Just like the physical scars I have, these emotional scars still exist. Even though my kids are grown and custody is no longer an issue, the scars of dealing with an abusive husband and father do not just disappear.  It takes years and maybe a lifetime to heal.  Yes, I feel broken.  My children live in limbo land not having a dad who is a great role model.  Even though I remarried and found a wonderful man, he is not their father.  No matter how loving he is, he can't completely take away the memories that haunt.

As I approached this Christmas season, I found myself struggling to keep my scars at bay.  Focusing on my losses only made me spiral deeper into the dark abyss.  Isn't it all a matter of perspective?  The glass half full or empty?

Replacing my sadness for His peace, I uncurled from my fetal position and took the first step to finding joy in this brokenness.  What could possibly bring me joy in the midst of my broken Christmas?

We sang "Count Your Many Blessings" at our Thanksgiving table this year. O how, I need that reminder. With a grateful heart, I started realizing how my brokenness has been a blessing.

So I started thinking, "There is always someone worse off than me".  We have been trying to adopt an older child.  The 'waiting children' do not have a family.  I was thinking of calling a friend who works at the Children's Aid Society to see how our family can make a child's Christmas a little more special.  She called me this morning. Isn't that a God thing?  I have not talked to her in months!

The empty nesting time has brought a sweetness to our marriage as we share quiet moments at home, candles glowing, favorite Christmas tunes playing and just being.....

Our daughter being away give us special times with her when she calls or comes home.  We love hearing of all her new experiences on a secular campus where she is letting her light shine bright.

With my baking buddy being at college, a co-worker and I baked cookies together last night.  I would never had the time to do this other years because of all the high school music concerts we attended.

The perfect Christmas? My perfect Christmas is broken as I am reminded that Jesus came to a broken world to fix my broken heart. As I read Jesus' birth story one more time, I am asking Him to show me new wonder.  The Author of Time, cared enough to create my story from the beginning.  But He gives me freedom to choose to love Him.  I love reading about His love story for me and how He is taking my broken mess and using it for Him.. 

Now I minister to broken people that I would never have been able to reach before.  I listen to the custody woes of single mothers, share God's love with friends I have made from my secular job, even a woman who owns a bar!  I would never have been able to do this as a Pastor's wife. 

So as I continue reflecting on the brokenness of my life, picking up the pieces and asking God to put them back together, I see Him making something more amazing out of my life than I could have ever dreamed.  So Merry Broken Christmas Everyone!

Senior Mom

Being a senior Mom has it's moments and no I am not talking about 'senior moments!'  Each school event this year has been christened with one of the other senior moms looking at me teary eyed and exclaiming, "this is the last ______fill in the blank with parade, band concert, etc.  For some reason I have never been good at the public grieving thing.  In fact, when I am at these functions, I almost feel guilty for enjoying myself!  I know all too soon I will not be driving her to school functions, and the house will be quiet.  But there will be more wonderful things to enjoy in this new chapter, like watching college football, well actually anyone who knows me is aware that I go to watch the band, one musician in particular.   Somehow she always manages to spot us in the crowd because she wants to. 

In the future, the venue will change and we won't see her as much, but isn't that how it is supposed to be?
You see, my daughter is always going to be my daughter no matter where she is or what she is doing. And I certainly would not want her to stay little forever.  In fact I am really enjoying the companionship of this emerging young adult.  She makes me laugh and teaches me how to parent every day.  When I have a weak moment and start getting sentimental about her growing up too fast, I can hear her say, "You want grandchildren, don't ya?" 

A word of wisdom to the 'Junior Mom' friends, enjoy their senior year, every minute of it.  Takes lots of pictures and laugh a lot.  You won't regret that.  There are days I feel like I am drowning in financial aid packages and critiquing scholarship essays.  However, I am reminded of the gift of cherishing these 'last things' as gifts. 

Monday Morning Chuckles...

Monday morning chuckles...took Abby to school and realized her water bottle lid was not shut tight.....dumped the whole thing in her lunch box.  She realized on the way to school as she feels something wet on her back side.  We wipe down all baggies and dry out the inside of the lunch box with all the fast food drive through napkins we acquired over the past month.  I go home to find a puddle on the piano bench where lunch box sat...that is where I placed my phone!  Wipe up puddle and pray my phone still works.  I head to work and realize I forgot to eat breakfast...already late to work by now.  Tried to call the office and my phone refuses to dial!  Must be the moisture.  I pull into Sheetz and take out the battery, which just happens to drop between the seat and the console.  Can we say Monday???!!  I am now at work safely, breakfast eaten, phone working for now and sweet texts exchanged between my daughter and I about our funky mornings.  We chuckle realizing and surmise this is all the aftermath of what Roger calls "Daylight Stupid Time!"  Anybody else feel wonky this morning??!!!

I'm a Mess!

I am a mess. I used to hope that I didn’t cross the boundary line of being too much of a mess. Isn’t that why that I try to hide so much? What will people think if they knew____ ? (fill in the blank)

Why do I try to be a spiritual super hero? Super Mom to the rescue! I run on adreline to keep up my image, rather than relying on my only true source of power. God. It’s like trying to dry my hair with the dryer without plugging it in. I go through alot of motions, but my hair is not getting dry because there is no power to dry it.

What does God really want from me? A heroic looking Christian who seems like they have it altogether? Where do I find that in the Bible? Isn’t that funny? I want to be a spiritual giant, but what God really wants is a broken and contrite heart. That’s pretty impossible to do if I am too busy trying to keep up my good Christian image.

Messed up. Yup, that’s what I am. Too messed up? Never! I spend too much time labeling myself and others. Can you imagine going through the Bible and labeling the Bible heroes?

David was a murderer, adulterer
Eve was a less than perfect mother. (After all, her son turned out to be a murderer)
Paul killed Christians
Jonah ran from God …......
Moses did not want to lead God’s people

These men and women played significant roles in Scripture and God used them in spite of themselves. Will I ever truly see myself and others as God sees? That the David who committed adultery and murder was called by God, “the man after God’s own heart.”
So why do I spend so much time labeling myself? “God can’t use me, I’m divorced.” I spend so much mental energy thinking, “I am less than perfect, therefore, I am to be shelved until the next life.”

Think about it, will the world be drawn to someone who ‘has it all together?’ Of course not, they would feel like they could never measure up. How much more powerful is my message, if I can introduce them to the One who loves them where they are and meets them in their messes. That is what makes God to be God. He does the work, not us! So, really, God can use me more effectively if I own up to my mess and realize I am nothing without Him. Am I a mess? Yes, but saved by God’s grace!

Psalms 51:17, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”

Keep Smiling!

This past week I spent time with someone who never smiled when I was watching. How I reacted inside to her kept changing colors each day. At first I felt intimidated because she appeared as if she had it all together. You know the kind of person I am talking about. They take charge of every situation and appoint themselves in command whether a majority vote has been taken on her behalf. Her self appointed attitude permeated giving the air of "I don't really need you."

The first time I met her I struggled just for a moment with feelings of inferiority. She did have a lot together and knew much more about the activities we were doing. I decided to chase away my complex and offered my gifts and talents given to me by the Lord. Each of us are different you know. Not everyone can have it together or even look like it! I actually enjoyed myself as I found my little niche. There is joy in serving Jesus, so I thought.

But this non-smiling woman kept haunting me every day I was with her. She really did not look like she was having a good time. The rest of us were really having fun doing each of our tasks with enthusiasm because we enjoyed being together. I realized the 'party' was going on without her. Each attempt to include her was brushed aside.

By the end of the week, she did not even make eye contact with me. Maybe there is more to this than I understand. The one who appears as if all is well can be choosing to hide behind that mask because of its safety. She wrapped herself in a cocoon of busyness maybe really wanting to join in.

Maybe the truth is that deep down inside there may be things that are too painful to describe. I think I will keep smiling anyway and find a way to bridge this communication gap. Maybe someday it will happen. Until then, I'll keep smiling!

Guard Your Heart

It's days like today that I understand why God put Gal 6:9 in his love letter to us. Satan wants to wear us down as believers so we are not effective in our ministries.

Gal 6:8 talks about those who sow to please their own sinful nature. What wears on me the most is when these kinds of people prey on our weak brothers and sisters, especially children and teenagers.

Satan desires to make us ineffective by lulling us to sleep on major issues, especially what we allow and invite to influence our lives....books we read, movies we watch, friends and people of influence in our lives. Nothing is innocuous! We live in a daily battle and somedays we choose not to recognize it because it is easier not to. Trust me, I would love a break from the constant beating down that we receive around us. It is easier to join the crowd rather than walk away, but each time we stay, we become more entrenched in the world's philosophies. God encouraged us to follow Him, which would be a 'lesser travelled road.' '

Beware, friends because the prince of this world desires to numb us to things around us. Stay connected to your power source and "don't grow weary in well-doing!"

Be on your guard, brothers and sisters- remember we are in a battle and it is everyday until Jesus comes for his Bride!

God Loves Those With a Broken Heart

Psalm 34:18 (NIV) The LORD is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

God loves the broken hearted! How that thought washes over my soul like a refreshing rain to a parched land. I can say that in my times of being totally broken, God has touched me in such unique ways that I cannot help but share with those who struggle along side of me.

I never realized how much my deep ache could be comforted until I have offered a hug of complete understanding to those who struggle with the same heartache. That is when I breathe, 'Thank you, Lord"; I can see some of your purpose in this pain.

The church as a whole and in our local bodies are filled with broken people. No matter how perfectly we dress or how beautifully we sing, what counts is how we love. I wonder if too many times we enter our place of worship with pride of how well we are doing our Christian checklist: perfect children perfectly dressed and well behaved, tithe check ready, Sunday School lesson prepared, the smile on our face that conveys all is well.

Think about who Jesus picked to be his disciples. They were not perfect on the outside or the inside. They were smelly, cantankerous fisherman. Imagine them showing up on Sunday morning at your church!

Would we dare be honest with our brothers and sisters in Christ if we are struggling? Do others know us to be real in our faith as we are free to share our struggles, our shortcomings? Hopefully that is true of me, of you, of our churches.

"Thank you Lord, for helping me see that my suffering is worthwhile as I see it making me a better, not bitter person so that I may comfort others."

I'm thinking of starting a new support group...MOAC

That's right...MOAC, Mothers of Adult Children!

When I was expecting my first child, I read a lot of books to prepare myself for this new adventure. I knew I was going to love being a mother and I wanted to be the best parent I could be. After he was born, I continued to read and ask other mothers for advice. Each new stage was a challenge, but so exciting to experience...the first word, the first step, reading his first word.

Somehow the years flew by with the first date, the first time driving alone in the car and now....his first apartment. Where did the time go? Wasn't it just yesterday that he cut his first tooth?

I did not prepare for this new stage. After all I had plenty of time; he was going to live at home for a while and go to a nearby university. Little did I know he had plans of spreading his wings. My heart screamed, "Wait, this is happening way too fast!" But no pleading could magically turn back the clock. The time had come for my firstborn to leave home.

Once again, I am seeking advice from other Moms, yes, MOAC. We are all trying to figure out this mysterious role. We are so used to doing for our children, helping with homework, fixing broken hearts, giving advice. Now that role has changed. I read a good blog tonight about this question of offering advice. Check out Lynn Cowell's blog at http://lynncowell.blogspot.com/2010/09/in-know-give-adviceor-not.html

As I shared on Lynn's post, I recently learned from a MOAC, that when our adult children don't want to heed our advice, we could put Phil 4:8 into practice..whatever is true, whatever is noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable...think on these things. I need to think of the good and admirable qualities.

I am at a point where I don't give advice right now. For this season (hopefully it won't be long) I am loving on my adult child. My love speaks by giving lots of space, setting boundaries where it affects me and yes, offering food! Who can turn down peach pie or brownies?!

The most important thing to gain through this journey is a knowledge of how to keep the doors of communication open. It's not a time to get frustrated when the other side is silent. When I don't hear from him, I pray, because I am sure he is very busy being the adult I prepared him to be.

Smile - it's contagious!

This past week I spent time with someone who never smiled when I was watching. How I reacted inside to her kept changing colors each day. At first I felt intimidated because she appeared as if she had it all together. You know the kind of person I am talking about. They take charge of every situation and appoint themselves in command whether a majority vote has been taken on her behalf. Her self appointed attitude permeated giving the air of "I don't really need you."

The first time I met her I struggled just for a moment with feelings of inferiority. She did have a lot together and knew much more about the activities we were doing. I decided to chase away my complex and offered my gifts and talents given to me by the Lord. Each of us are different you know. Not everyone can have it together or even look like it! I actually enjoyed myself as I found my little niche. There is joy in serving Jesus, so I thought.

But this non-smiling woman kept haunting me every day I was with her. She really did not look like she was having a good time. The rest of us were really having fun doing each of our tasks with enthusiasm because we enjoyed being together. I realized the 'party' was going on without her. Each attempt to include her was brushed aside.

By the end of the week, she did not even make eye contact with me. Maybe there is more to this than I understand. The one who appears as if all is well can be choosing to hide behind that mask because of its safety. She wrapped herself in a cocoon of busyness maybe really wanting to join in.

Maybe the truth is that deep down inside there may be things that are too painful to describe. I think I will keep smiling anyway and find a way to bridge this communication gap. Maybe someday it will happen. Until then, I'll keep smiling!

Jehovah Jireh

I requested prayer over a year ago for my husband who was experiencing so much stress in his job. We prayed and prayed and we asked for deliverance. We asked family to pray and even blogger friends to pray!

God has answered 'above what we could ask or think!' He received word this week that he was chosen as Supervisor of Technology in another school district. God has blessed him for his diligence. While he was walking through his deep waters, he struggled with anger, but finally gave that to the Lord for Him to walk things for His good. And he did!

Why do doubt? Why do we question? Doesn't God count the hairs on our head? Does he see the sparrow fall? We can say beyond the shadow of a doubt, "I know my God cares for me!"

Facebook Mom

OK, I have to admit that the only reason for joining Xanga, Myspace and Facebook was to be a watchful eye for my son and his friends. Being a Myspace Mom actually strengthened my relationship with my teen, if you can believe that.

The other day my 17 yr. old son asked, "Mom, how come you haven't asked me to be your friend on Facebook?" This was said over a lunch date with just the two of us sharing a white pizza with LOTS of garlic! To say the least I was shocked he invited me into his world that I usually barge into.

Up until recently the only reason I joined these networking forums was to be fully informed as a Mom. We have a rule in our house if you haven't personally met someone, then they can't be your friend ( with the exception of music groups, of course) You have to be friends with your favorite groups!

Recently, I found an unexpected blessing as I am so wet behind the ears with Facebook. Yes, I guess my pride gets in the way to ask my son how to do this. You can actually have a high school and college reunion! I have found long lost friends and am so excited.

I encourage you to enter into the unknown galaxy. Yes, Facebook can seem like 'the new frontier' to us parents. Trust me it is worth it to continue building bridges with your teen and can also expand your own horizons.

Will you be my friend? (Only if I know you of course!)

Isolation v. Connection

Isolation v. connection. How many of us struggle with this dichotomy in our deepest heart of hearts?

I was so touched by Lysa TerKeurst blog, "She Likes Me, She Likes Me Not". Check it out sometime www.lysaterkeurst.blog.spot.com. By reading the many responses, I realized I am not the only one who suffers from the disease of dorkness.

My soul cries out for someone to talk to…someone who really understands… someone to truly connect with. As the years go by I have realized that I am not the only woman who longs for this connection. Dee Brestin wrote a book years ago called, The Friendships of Women that addressed this very issue.

We live such separated isolated lives in our culture today. Piano lessons, soccer practice and PTA meetings keep us from eating dinner together, let alone allow us time to build deep relationships.

In years past several generations used to live under one roof or close by. A woman would learn how to keep house, cook and raise babies from her mother, grandmother, aunts and siblings who lived in the same house or nearby. But now we put our parents in nursing homes and move far away from family. Connection to family and friends is crowded out by our choices to be independent, prosperous, fulfilled and…lonely.

James 5: 16 says, "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."

Maybe it takes us to make the first move to find someone to "confess" to. I know, I know. Many of us say, "but I'm always the one that calls. Why doesn't someone call me?" Wish I knew the answer to that question. But most likely our non-initiating friends have a phobia about initiating. We all have our weaknesses, though.

I've been asking God for connections and it has been amazing how He has been answering. By the way, the little girl across the street who needs a 'Mom' to care, came over again last night. She needed.....connection!

Hopelessly Romantic...

Yes, my husband is so hopelessly romantic. Now before you click to another blog and wish you were living in Cinderella's world like me, stick around for a minute and keep reading.

My dear sweet man ( who knows I am writing this, btw) is hopeless...at being a romantic. Yes, that is what he thinks and I used to believe the lie. In fact, I won Lysa Terkeurst's Valentine blog contest because I was so frustrated with this 'wonderful' man. Flowers? Nope. Candy? Nope. Card on Mother's Day? Nope!

Maybe a couple of times a year he will think of doing those small niceties, but the rest of the year? ? He is always ready to listen when I need him. He patiently holds my hand when I'm spazzing over the loss of hair us middle age women experience. And he works so hard at his job so he can desperately get that promotion so I can cut back my hours at work.

Romantic? Maybe not like Cinderella. But romantic where it counts. Romantic not just one or two days out of the year, but in the everyday commitment. I love you, honey!

Prayer

Dear Bloggin' Sisters,
Our family is in need of prayer right now. Would ya mind? My husband has been handling an enormous stress at his job. After a year of many hours of overtime working on a project that only he could do in the short amount of time they requested, the project was finished successfully. However, management above him however is not happy because he did such a great job...

We are waiting the next few weeks to see if he gets a so needed promotion or if he gets axed. We have been clinging to Prov 3:5 & 6 ...Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not to thine OWN understanding. In ALL thy ways acknowledge HIM and HE will direct your paths.

Also, "the heart of the king is in the hand of the LORD...Proverbs somewhere :)

I am learning on a daily basis what being an encouragement to your husband is. I'm am so grateful he doesn't 'cave' on me. He is so sweet and tries to keep me informed as best as possible without worrying me!

When our guys look like they have it all together, look a little closer and they might actually really need a big hug and a word of encouragement 'No matter what happens, honey, I'm right here beside ya!'

Thanks, sisters for your prayers...I'll keep you 'posted'